Introspection

I do not understand why i feel what i feel. It is not like i haven’t been there before.

Maybe i know now.

Maybe i know why.

Maybe i know how.

Maybe i know.

Maybe i.

Maybe....

THE MAN WITH THE BROWN GUITAR

He was the man with a brown guitar

who sang about love.

She was his lone audience

with a wine glass in her hand.

His slender fingers tuned the guitar,

as he began a song that was on her mind.

With the sound of his guitar and the wine,

she drowned the grief that she carried in her heart....

The shadows grew longer,

the sky turned an orange hue.

Her glass needed a refill,

He needed a song.

"One more time," she whispered,

as he smiled at her across the table....

When the night fell upon the city

and when the room was flooded by starlight,

she shut her eyes and forced a yawn.

"I am tired," said she.

"Just this one," said he.....

She slept to the sound of his guitar,

his song making love to her mind,

to the tune she had heard over a million times.

She dreamed about the lush green meadow atop a silent hill,

And there she saw him standing,

he was hard to miss-

The man with the brown guitar. 

DELILAH'S LAMENT

       

I know not what i have done,

It ended before it’d  begun.

Oh Nazirite! With hair so long,

I’ve never known a man so strong.

They say, greed got better of a woman

I am she.

For 1100 coins of silver each,

I betrayed thee.

You fell asleep by the Brook of Sorek,

I took my chance before the dawn-break.

Called for a man to shave your hair,

While i knelt down, for a prayer.

They say, you were powerless,

And that they stabbed your eyes,

And you were a slave at Gaza,

He, who grinds grains until he dies.

Once your hair had grown,

You took your enemies alone,

The pillars at Gaza brought the temple down,

Along with the people and the crown.

They say you are buried at Manoah,

I came by your grave,

Plucked  flowers from the brook,

For the man who i once knew as brave.

Forgive me for what i have done,

It all ended before it’d begun.

Oh Nazirite! With hair so long,

For someone so strong,

With God you belong.

l'amour et la séduction

That was a night

Of fright

Silly light

Blinding her sight.

It was a moment of hurt

Words curt

Ripped shirt

Pathological flirt.

An hour

Of power

Broken flower

Gushed shower.

And then he was gone

Upon dawn

Through the lawn

That he, that Don Juan.

TO PENNY LANE

                                           

They say that the world is your oyster,

But the world isn’t enough for you.

All the pearls and jewels and everything vain,

Couldn’t buy you, my Penny Lane.

They say you have quite the temper for a girl,

Like you could put a man to shame;

But when you laugh, you drive them insane,

That’s just you, Penny Lane.

They say your sun-kissed tresses has a mind of its own,

And your eyes hold a strong dark spell which can’t be explained.

When you cry, you could bring a desert to rain,

 Are you a witch, oh sweet Penny Lane?

The happiness that love brings, Penny Lane

Don’t refrain:

He could be your Superman, and you his Lois Lane....

You smile: and you walk away,

You cannot be contained, you don’t complain,

You are my Penny Lane.

THE GIRL AT THE WINDOW

                                                                      

She was no ordinary girl. she lived with her old guardian aunt in the tower. she was beautiful beyond reality and her long, brown, cascading hair had a life of its own. Indeed, she was anything but ordinary. Nobody knew how she came to live with the old woman who was fiercely protective about her. She forbade the young girl to leave the premises and prohibited her from speaking to strangers. Therefore, the girl grew up lonely and secluded from the rest. She, however, found solace in the natural things around her and was fascinated at what nature's beauty had to offer to her. She spent hours at the window admiring the world outside but at the same time feared alienation from its people. The tower had become a microcosm of the universe and she was content with whatever little it had to offer.

He first saw her from a distance-playing with her beautiful dark hair, her slim, pale fingers running rhythmically through her magical, uncombed tresses. She was divine, in the most painful way he'd ever known. He, on the other hand, was like a beautiful dream that was trespassing on the thresholds of her reality. He brought her flowers-lilies, almost every day. She loved them.

Her old guardian didn't return that day. She feared the worst. It was then that she decided to leave everything and go to her lover-the handsome young man who brought her lilies and who visited her in her dreams. When he heard of her plans, he just smiled and said that he would come back for her, later that night.

The girl wore her favorite blue dress, perfumed her hair and tied them in braids. She then walked towards the window and waited for him to come. He never did. He kept her waiting at the window wearing her favorite blue dress....

It took me a moment to remember just how beautiful the earth looked after its first showers,
green, wet and naked.

That was the moment you walked into a room full of starlight....

you keep pushing me into that deep abyss of darkness
whoever told you that falling doesn't hurt?
well, step in my shoes and you'll know
that wounds never heal and scars run deep...

~THE BEAUTIFUL MOVES IN CURVES~

                                                            

when Scarlet Johannson (woot, woot!!) scorched the screens and when whitney thompson won the coveted ANTM my joys knew no bounds. cut to present , ADELE (at the risk of sounding gay, i must admit that i love her much!!) scores just as fine with people as the skinny bunch prior her entry into the music industry. and now we have an entire fraternity celebrating the THICK per se. a fashion house even as much as went ahead to include an entire team of real, curvy women in their next photo shoot!! joyous indeed. Nicole Kidman and Cameroon Diaz once famously said that they'd prefer curves because that's more beautiful. Kidman said that she had a boy's body and that she'd much rather have J.Lo's curves. Diaz, on the other hand commented that she wanted to be a big fleshy woman  with a big bum!!! also, i love history and history loved curves (courtesy-renaissance figures)!!! score!! :D

aw-rite. here's a thought. how much is too much? i wish i knew. how many of us have stopped tracks midway and stared at the gorgeous porcelain skin models with bodies to die for donning the covers of some fashion magazines? chances are all of us have with a self-loathing soon after. ever thought that if all the pretty clothes are made for skinny women in magazines, then what will the  REAL women wear? i mean c'mon, nobody looks like that!! the beauty mags have contributed a great deal to my eye-sore. oh I've lapped up the gloss completely only to sulk and feel miserable later. ever wondered what they eat or don't eat? ever had that urge to lay your hands on jennifer hudson's (yea, the flab-to-fab chic from "DREAMGIRLS" and some such) diet chart? oh i have!! not just her but all those yum-mums who drop pounds at the drop of a hat! damn those fashion magazines. they lie much. :|

JUST FOR THE RECORD, I HATE GYMMING OR ANY FORM OF WORK-OUT!! and yes, every time i see a cookery show on t.v. i go MAD!!!

honestly, I've never fallen into the heavy category, like ever. but ya, I've had issues, and dietary moments. who doesn't? i EAT-like a lot....no scratch that. i USED TO eat a lot. my pre-teens and teen years were religiously devoted to the sustenance of various kind-good, bad, mild, rough anything and everything. well, growing up away from home and family made me a despairingly hungry and angry  kid!! perhaps i was god's favorite child then, i never gained an ounce. and it didn't matter much to me. there was nobody who would give a flying fuck about whether i was fat or not. and then college happened. with college, interaction(read boys) happened. and as fate would have it i began to grow gradually-slowly at first and rapidly thereafter. no sillykins, not height or anything(aaah! i wish!!) i meant weight-wise (again, not the wisdom kind). it was cool at first. so i stuffed my face with sorry substitute for food (read greasy, cold, fat-inducing canteen food. period.) at any given opportunity. and of course, the inevitable happened. the initial coolness-ish attitude grew into panic attacks as i realized that I'd stopped fitting into my skinnies!!! oh!! the horror of horrors when i had to replace my size 3-4 with a size 12(later 14) garb!! depression of the highest order as i drowned myself in a sack and clothes meant for the maternity ward! true story. and it didn't just end there. i could disguise the porky in an ill-fitting garb but the face only became wider and there was no stopping my binging habits. I'd grow tired after climbing a flight of ten stairs, i couldn't get myself to walk even half a mile and breathing was strenuous cuz, I'd spend out easily. i knew i was in deep shit then. and just when i thought the shit couldn't get any deeper, the hemlines grew shorter!!!! I'd see girls my age walking around in itsiest and bitsiest of shorts and skirts and harbor a jealous rage against them bonies!! I'd say proudly that 'FAT WAS THE NEW THIN' and that shorts was the anti-thesis of being womanly!! yep, you guessed it right, the sour grapes syndrome. of course, all that was untrue.

just so you know, i still don't advocate reed-thin cuz i know how horribly wrong that can go. but being heavy was doing no good to my system cuz i wasn't built like that. everybody has a certain body type that you have to adhere to. and there's this whole equation involving BMI (meh!!)and all that jazz which is too mathematically complex for me to even calculate. i supposedly have a high metabolic rate and therefore putting on extra pounds is like a rare phenomenon for me no matter how large a meal i eat. so when my binging bouts categorically increased, my weight started fluctuating. i have a family history of diabetes and high blood pressure. so that got me worried at first. having a doctor dad kept me perpetually reminded of all the potential heart-related ailments that may or may not occur if i didn't watch the weigh-scale.

being an Indian and that too of the north-eastern variety, its almost impossible to part with our daily staple of rice and meat. we love our platter(god bless India!!:DD) and refusing a meal is still considered a social taboo in some parts of our country. i particularly remember a wedding ceremony where i was being served the second time. feigning modesty i politely refused; instantaneously followed by the retributive justification that still rings clear in my ears: "aww...just a little. i know you ain't shy when it comes to food! you were such an eater earlier!!" thus the ginormous helping was served. somewhere, the chubby in me was beaming!!

well, that's that. I'm not a health expert or anything  but today, i am proud of my body. and even though like all my other non-veg-lovin' fraternity i still believe that  "chappati" and vegan should be banned for life, i watch my platter and i know when to stop. thankfully I've recovered my former-size self, along with curves thrown in here and there.so today i rest comfortably between anything from sizes 8-10. i also know that fasting for one day doesn't kill you. rather, it detoxifies your system. and if you get too hungry to eat, well, what are liquids for then? works like magic!! also, binging is not a solution to any of your problems. it only adds more to them. oh and btw, dieting is so passe so give it a rest already!! therefore, what i am implying here is eat but only when you are really hungry, not because you have nothing better to do. cuz you know why.........?

"There's no better dressing than meat on bones."- REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES


there used to be a sign board on the roads back home, I'd seen, that read : "danger zone. curves ahead". i guess now i understand the metaphorical implication of this "not at all inappropriate" line!! (laugh-out-loud) 


so, eat, drink, be merry, stay happy, stay fit and cultivate those curves you got. cuz damn, girl, you so sexy like that, yo!! :DDD

MR. UNAVAILABLE

                                                                

women have this really annoying habit of following a certain pattern in life. especially in matters of the heart-always in matters of the heart. maybe that explains why somebody would repetitively fall for geeks, or jocks or even the bad boys. yes, the good girls have always had a thing for the bad boys. and then there's the fourth kind- the Mr. Unavailable. well, try and google Mr. Unavailable and you'll be mighty shocked at the number of theories that pop up on your screen. there, i admit it, i have googled the term and every time i have reacted in a similar fashion-with an "oh that's so fuckin' true"!!!

here's how a certain site describes a MR. Unavailable: 

"He is the ambiguous, hard to read, very attractive anomaly that sits between a Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM – emotionally unavailable man) is one of the most dangerous men that you could meet and every day his inability to tap into his emotions and into himself has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him.

 They have a host of excuses as to why they can’t be as much of a partner as we would like them to be and they blame “timing”, and tell you that “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend” but that doesn’t explain why they continue to play havoc with your emotions."

and how we foolishly fall for them, hook, line and sinker-almost always! haven't we read enough books already? seen enough movies to know what from which?

i have repeatedly gotten myself into the territories of Misters Unavailable. more often than not, i have come to terms with it, embraced the truth and moved on. but believe me, every time the hurt has been bigger than the previous one. they are the kind of men you'd love to love. intelligent, smart, sexy, decorous, charming, always saying the right things at the right time, and everything wonderful...they just get to u like  a magnet. they are perfection personified!! and just when you've thought you've neared your "happily ever after" moment, bam!! they change back into their original shape and become their unavailable selves. and suddenly they are sexy no more, they are smart no more, yet, somehow, they refuse to let go off their irresistible charm and you begin to think about them more than ever, to the point of being miserable!! some even lose their self confidence (and sanity in some severe cases) in the healing process...that's the worst kind of after-effect, and its not even funny!!


see, because Mr. unavailable is so smart(read sly), he knows exactly what goes inside a woman's head. besides, no woman is different from the other-we all like similar stuff, including men! a "smart" Mr. Unavailable would know that right? oh. he will tell the sweetest things to you, flatter you left, right and center, give you the royal treatment and even before you know it, he'll be slowly gnawing at your feeble heart, that cold, emotionless bastard!! and when's made enough space for himself, he'll tell you that he ain't ready in the most nonchalant fashion. watcha gonna do then? nothing! absolutely nothing! just sit in some sad little corner and wait for an earth shattering quake to happen, or worse, devise plans in your head to prick the man with needles!! he'd have bled a thousand times in your head, but somewhere far away, he'd be laughing and planning a decoy with victim number next!!!


also because he is so charming. it makes it harder for us to hate him. yes, even after all that heartbreak. but wait...what heartbreak? he never asked us to fall in love with him right? it wasn't like he was our exclusive or vice versa!! RIIIIIIGHT! now it occurs!! damn! where were our brains then? gone straying? but we behaved like we owned him. well, poor us, we were being sincere, too sincere perhaps? maybe not. we were being foolish. and the manipulative thief knew it. except, he didn't care to tell. ofcourse, he'd been waiting for the right time and strike when hot. that's how it works, always. in some cases, the unassuming, mousy bitch never fails to show up beside him. well, she got the ring, remember? and you got nothing to complain about. except, to your friends who are waiting for you with an, "i-told-you-so"!!


with every moment that passes. we become ever more despairing. and even before we know it, there comes another knight in shining armour to rid you off your woes and miseries. oh, he'll listen to us of course, with that sad, upward tilt concerned brows, assuring smile, dark wavy hair and wide open arms. he's smart, sexy, charming...oh wait!!! he's a magnet too!! ring a bell? similar pattern? see, thats what i am talking about:
"FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE"!!!

I thought when love for you died, I should die.
It's dead.  Alone, most strangely, I live on.
~Rupert Brooke

i live on to see longer days without you,

to wander by the brooks, to walk the streets.

i live on to sleep with a broken heart,

and a sad song playing on a loop.

i live on to look at the little things that remind me of you,

your photograph with that infectious smile and wild eyes.

i live on to smell off the dry perfume on your shirt,

the one you wore and left behind.

i live on to fight the urge to hear your voice one last time,

to hear you laugh that vibrant laugh and the way you'd call out my name.

i live on to wait for days to just pass me by as they should,

and the nights, the black, moonless nights.

i live on to wake up the next morning wishing it were a dream,

i live on hoping against hope that you'd fall in love again.

 so its close to 11 am already. its a feat in itself that i've been awake enough to see the sunshine, considering my erratic sleeping patterns. nothing's progressive so far. life's been stagnant, boring, dull, inanimate, unproductive, etc.etc. basically, everything that it shouldn't be, atleast not in my age. so i turned 24 recently. i slept on the eve of my birthday, hoping that the following morning i would wake up feeling different, instead i woke up a good twelve hours late and hungover!! birthdays aren't that big as they are made out to be. believe me , they are the most over-hyped occasions. the sooner you realize this, the better for you. personally speaking, i've never had anything against birthdays, but they serve as a reminder for me to reflect on things that i've missed that year. result? i'm sadder and depressed by the time the clock strikes 12 and its a new day already.

i've always felt very strongly about LOVE. honestly speaking, my decisions have more often than not been heart-directed. i've held personal relations with utmost regard and nothing has ever mattered more to me than the other person's happiness. perhaps, working on it too much has taken a toll on me. blogging about a relationship-personal or otherwise-is not something that i would normally resort to so i am gonna  leave it at just that. for once, i am gonna let fate take its course, atleast i wouldn't have to live with regrets then.

everything said and done, it is finally time for me to pull myself out of the bed and plan for the day-something that i haven't done in recent times. if i can cut the slack easily, it won't be long until my next blog update. also hoping, that next time i decide to write something, it would be minus the monotony. looking forward to a brighter, happier times. happy belated birthday to me!!!

THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

and that was it.


he was undressing her with his eyes. there was no escaping his long, hard gaze. the pair of steely eyes could cut right through her skin.


there was something subtly endearing about  his raw masculinity. the strong jawline, the wide nose, the ebony skin, and the broad shoulders. his pokered expression was hard to comprehend but his dark, smouldering eyes seemed to tell a different story. 


his gaze on her relaxed. those were not the eyes of a hungry beast. or so she felt. she relaxed and heaved a sigh of relief.


it had almost been two weeks in captivity. he had been particularly kind to her, giving her food and water at regular intervals. she wasn't confined to a dingy four-walled room as she thought she would be. she was comfortable there, the room she was kept in was large enough to accommodate five people. right across the bed post was  a shelf with books from every century. how old was he? 


there were no mirrors in her room...no mirrors anywhere.


he hardly spoke a word or two to her, except during meals. she wasn't subjected to any kind of restrictions. for a girl who had just been abducted, she was treading on the fringes of luxury and freedom, except for the fact that he was always present..his gaze fixed on her solemnly.


she was beginning to grow fond of him. sometimes at night, she believed she could hear him breathing across her bed. she thought there was something strangely humane about those eyes. 


it rained that night.


he couldn't stop thinking about her. ever since he'd brought her here, he'd been restless and anxious. he hardly slept but the days that she was here, had been particularly hard on him. he dreaded the nightfall for that reason. there were nights when he'd go to her room and watch her fall asleep. those were the nights when he'd been consumed by desire. the human part of him wanted to let her go, reunite with her father and sisters but the beast wouldn't let that happen. he wanted her all for himself, he wanted to rip her apart, feed on her till he satisfied his insatiable appetite. he wanted her to be safe from him and yet he couldn't keep her away from his gaze for too long, lest it drove him mad. 

he wondered if she'd known all along. he feared if his thoughts became too loud, too pronounced. he was ashamed of his thoughts, he was ashamed of how he looked. he hated every object that reflected his image. he'd grown to hate everything beautiful. he'd learn to even hate her, she was beautiful and he was a beast. 




and it rained that night. the beast was rising. he walked in to her room.......

another year gone by. sigh!!

another milestone achieved.

hearts were broken, lives were lost

babies were born

same, old, unchanging universe.

sigh!!

thunderstorm, grey, ominous clouds....rainclouds

 orange leaves, bitter cold....bitter you

and then the inevitable.

same, old, boring crap!!

sigh!!!